Dispatch...

Middle of the night...

Watching fetal heart strips, checking labor progress, monitoring recoveries.

Many hours to go before I sleep- I can almost smell my cotton sheets and feel the fan in my bedroom. Aching just a bit for Jeff's light snoring and Silas's baby breath.

5 weeks in. Learning how to survive. Learning how to teach. Learning how to let go. Surrender or exhaustion? Does it matter?

Passing

There is a gaping hole in my heart tonight. My favorite favorite aunt died unexpectedly in her sleep. There are no words to console, to heal, to soothe. I am raw. Her vibrant energy, sassy attitude and no-holds-barred in your face honest is deeply missed already. I cannot believe she is gone.

My dearest Aunt Abby- you spoke truth and didn't hold back. You were a phenomenal cook and baker... you knew how to make good out of bad. You were my mom's best friend. I aspire to your unabashed fearlessness and wish I could have traveled the world with you. I wish I could remember the last time I saw you. I wish you laugh was not already fleeting from my memory. I wish you were here yelling the truth, grabbing your crotch in a way only you could, living with abandon. I miss you. I am raw.

Please hold my Aunt in your thoughts... Last night after a day spent swimming and sunning and reading and eating and drinking coffee and going for a walk at sunset she passed away in her sleep. A beautiful, poetic, merciful way to go. Twenty fucking years too early. I cannot believe she is gone.

Regrounding

I found your babyhood yesterday as we splashed in the pool. Me bleary-eyed from my crazy schedule and your blonde hair soaked through. My little baldy. Splashing and hugging me close. "Mommy, under!" you yelled over and over again. And we dunked and we sputtered and we wiped our eyes. We had an hour of uninterrupted, unrushing, un-doing time. I am so grateful. I am so so grateful.