A Longer Night

While everyone else seems to revel in the thought of daylight savings time... those of us up all night tonight have an extra hour of special-time at work... and while I would not wish to be doing anything else (except being snuggled up under our pumpkin colored flannel sheets at home with my guys) I will happily stay here- for a night of surgeries and births.

Oh Halloween... had friends over and handed out candy while we munched on pizza. Our sweet pea is too shy to truck around to strangers houses to Trick or Treat. I figured it would end up as us pimping him out for candy we weren't going to let him eat anyway. But still- Silas was soooo happy to be fireman. And that was after much anguish and feeling like a horrible mother for not getting a costume together despite much forethought and too little action. Happily, we inherited the perfect outfit Thursday night from a new-dear friend with a kiddo just enough bigger. Now if I could only get him to take the hat off.

I'm going to do my best to participate in NaBloPoMo as a kickstart to this whole self-reflection thing I'm trying to accomplish... we'll see if this experiment works... A post a day? Rather than a post a month? Sheesh.

Where I've been

These last weeks have been full... Full of 30 hour shifts every 4th night. Full of deaths rather than births. Full of family discussions, hand holding, letting go.

I just finished a month in the Medical ICU. Intensity is the rule there. Ironic that while so much of our time is focused on helping people breathe, I had a hard time catching my breath. I got a little more used to crying publicly- for better or worse. At one point, I was writing comfort care orders and signing "terminal extubation" forms with tears running down my face- only to look up and see my entire team as well as the wife of the patient standing across the desk. Sometimes I wish I didn't immediately get the red face and puffy eyes of someone on the verge of sobbing. It is what it is. I am who I am. I also gained more confidence- felt the ground beneath my feet- felt more and more like I was growing into the person I'm supposed to become.

And now I'm back in OB/GYN world. This time I get to be a surgeon. Or rather, learn to be one. Still lots of crying. Yesterday, as I was caring for a post-operative patient with advanced cancer, she showed me a photo album of her daughter. Her daughter died 10 months ago of ovarian cancer. She was 39. She was a patient at this hospital. On the same list of patients as her mother is now on. Her mother showed me pictures of her in her bikini up to her knees in snow, a picture of her with all of her nieces, a picture of her with a beautiful bouquet- renewing her vows- 2 weeks before she passed from this life to the next. We cried together yesterday.

So no poetry for me today. Feeling like I need to find my way back home. Sitting here at work, listening to the wind whip by the windows- barely able to see the Adirondacks for the clouds and snow- unable to believe that Fall has pretty much come and gone. And here I am, struggling to put 2 words together- feeling like I've missed the mark here today. Haven't quite gotten to the point. Still- here I am. And mostly, other than trying maintain myself while learning as much as I can and doing the best by my patients, I've been meditating on the following:
If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished? ~Rumi

...wishing this was more polished.

A Tiny Soapbox

I just can't stand it. I am so angry at the Republicans and John McCain I can't bear to keep it in. I can't laugh, I can't even cry- it is so beyond ridiculous. The nomination of Sarah Palin is a slap in the face of all women. To say that she was the best choice for the campaign is to belittle the careers of many smarter and more established women. Or to suggest that the reason she was chosen was to appeal to the marginalized women out there is another excercise in condescention. To say that we would vote for a vagina- any vagina... rather than someone, regardless of gender who supported our choices and freedoms and education and our families- is so transparent and baffling. Furthermore- to characterize her as a feminist, to accuse the media of sexism, to portray the GOP as the party for women- it such bald-face lying I can barely stomach another word about it.

Our current administration isn't bad enough. But, to me, Gov. Palin's nomination is one of the biggest farses in modern times. To suggest she has a single shred of skill that equips her to run the country is a mockery of our system of government. To suggest that she stands up for what she believes in is one thing... but what about the substance of it? It's not enough to just strap on a big pair of balls and put a truckload of aggression beyond them. This country doesn't need another "act first, think later" kind of person at the helm. We don't need judgmental a-holes, playing "holy-er than thou" while jeopardizing our international ties and financial stability. We've seen what 8 years of this has done for our global diplomacy- not to mention our economy. I mean really... crap. Or fuck. Or fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Yeah, I'm angry. I'm angry and feeling patronized and in total disbelief at the number of people falling hook, line and sinker for the show. And while polls show a drop in their popularity, commensurate with Obama/Biden's gains, I worry that the Rove-esque escapades will pull it off again. That there will be voting "irregularities" and "Supreme Court Decisions" and we will be paddling up an increasingly large creek.

I'm not feeling eloquent, poetic or zen-like tonight. I'm feeling raw. For more coherent and educated banter...
Maureen Dowd
Arianna Huffington

And for a laugh (even if it's a nervous, panicky "this is too creepy to be comedy" laugh)

Onto the next

Fall has suddenly emerged... or snuck up or sunk in its teeth.

It is the time for reveling...
One last swim in the lake
A final ear of fresh corn
Quarts of fresh berries from here and there

The time for preparing...
Making jam, freezing fresh veggies and fruit
Planting a few fall seeds in our cold frame
Tidying up the flower beds
Ordering bulbs

The time for gathering together...
Last picnincs on the waterfront
Welcoming new babies
Harvest festivals and back to school (for some)
New friends acclimating to our community

The time for putting away...
the canoe and hammock
sandtoys, sunscreen and beach towels
sundresses and sandals (not quite)

A time for getting my shit together. Touching my feet to the ground.

Home again

Waking up in my own room, my old room. Surrounded by abandoned college texts, high school yearbooks, boxes full of notes and letters. The sounds of early morning carved into my bones. The trucks roaring by, the breeze tickling the trees, a distant train horn.

Drinking lots of coffee while taking the morning slow. Silas doing laps in the kitchen while Mom makes blueberry pancakes. Listening to our favorite radio station. Waking up, shaking off last night's wine and soft serve.

Gathering ourselves, slicing watermelon, finding the sunscreen and lifejackets. Ready for a day on Captain's sailboat.

My childhood home. My centering place. Several deep breaths and four days off in a row. Blessed be.

3 Sheets

Alright then...

Just coming back from celebrating. A new place. Completing my first two months with some semblance of grace. Moving onto a new service.

I'm here flying solo for one night. I went out with some girlfriends- enjoyed a night on the town, some champagne and fries and a shake on the way home. Slightly tipsy and looking forward to a single day. A day to sleep in and get breakfast out. Perhaps here or maybe here... then the farmer's market... see about a haircut... and maybe some shopping. I really could use some new underwear... or maybe a nap.

Two months... I've evolved in subtle and profound ways. Dozens of babies. One born in the water, en caul today. Mystical. Some through surgery. Three back-to-back yesterday... and bleeding and dizziness and pain and infection... and babies and more babies. I come home and Silas says, "Babies? Mama catch babies?" What will I tell him of my work in the next two months as I venture to the Emergency Department and the ICU??! No babies. Sick people. Lots and lots of sick people. No babies.

I'm looking forwards to a breath. Maybe two. To four days off in a row to spend with my son and my mother. Some time to gather myself again before more craziness. Before I hear, "Anna! Anna! Anna!... Anna! Anna! Anna!"

And off I go with a belly full of milk shake and fries and champagne. For a night without alarms or 2am toddler wake-ups. A night that could go on until morning. Or afternoon. Many thanks. Much gratitude.

Exhaustion sets in.

5 Minutes

Jena, here we go...

5 minutes. All it takes, right? Somehow this post has been brewing for weeks.

My hand no longer shakes when I am handed the scalpel. It is steady when I grasp the handle. Tremors don't surge through my body when it is my job to stitch, my job to grasp, my job to repair.

My heart is still excited. I am overcome with delight and amazement when a baby makes a safe passage into their life. I wonder at the way women's bodies were born to bear children and how our bodies know just what to do, even when our minds tell us otherwise.

My body is exhausted and I am doing all I can- trying desperately to maintain frienships, maintain my marriage, maintain my motherhood, maintain my house, maintain my family. Sometimes all I do is maintain.

I spend my days watching "strips"- the passage of time measured in contractions, fetal heart rates. I listen well into the night to the fluttering murmurs of babies not yet born. One eye and one ear there at all times... even at this very moment.

I am stepping up, stepping in, learning how.

This might not be beautiful or meaningful... but it exists.

Today I missed a delivery. My first one to miss. It was her fifth and she proudly announced no doctor had ever made it to her delivery. I was defiant and confident. I'd be there. I was there, back turned for a minute to get the instrument tray. She delivered in the bathroom. She caught the head herself. Doctor? Who needs a doctor?

5 minutes. 5 more soon, I hope.