Holding my breath

We went to vote today as a family. Silas (my son to the core), happily squealing "NO John McCain!" as we waited on line. My hands shook with excitement at voting- more energy than I've ever experienced with voting. It's always mattered. Somehow it matters more today.

I then took a long walk home- it is so warm here today... and I spent the morning planting garlic and putting our flower beds down for the winter. I felt so in tune with today- the close of one season and planning for something new.

So I sit here tonight, holding my breath and watching the talking heads ruminate over numbers and projections. I'm afraid to go to bed before it's all settled. I'm afraid if I stay up and it goes the wrong way, I'll cry myself to sleep. I'm afraid that if Hope doesn't prevail, we're all fucked. Excuse me. FUCKED.

In my heart, I can only believe that Obama is going to win. It is the only thing that makes sense. It seems to be the only way to steer us back to some of our roots and get us back on track. Real compassion- that's what I'm talking about.

At the same time, part of my heart has resigned to moving to Canada- somewhere civilized- where everyone has guaranteed health care... I already have my tuke.

So cheers to all of you tonight, watching and waiting... holding our breath for something new, something better, something more.

You Just Have To...

Do it for yourself, your friends, your family, your children.

Do it for the economy, as an example to those who cannot yet.

Do it for the future, for the past, for the present.

I am desperate for something new- a new era, a new time, a new peace.

Get out there. Vote.

Over and Underwhelmed

Vacation... sweet vacation. Not for flying away and sipping coladas but for standing on my legs, straightening out my house and my head. Trying to gather together again. I'm a third of the way through my intern year and we seem to be maintaining. And I'm doing my best...
To not criticize or back-seat drive
To parent with a minimal amount of time
To be a partner, friend and lover to my hubby- even though we didn't even celebrate our anniversary (almost a month ago) because I was post-call and grumpy... and we had no baby-sitter
To keep my house clean (even when I'm not doing my share and we have outside help every few weeks)
To not care when my house isn't clean or to freak out and clean and de-clutter when really what I want to do is go outside, breathe some fresh air... or take a long nap in the afternoon curled up with Silas

And sometimes I fail and fall apart and lose my shit and ruin a perfectly good afternoon by being anxious about clutter or mess or dirty dishes getting crusty or the laundry piled on top of the dryer- not being folded for days... and then when it's folded, sitting in the middle of our living room in piles taking days to make it back into anyone's drawers.

Then I think- with all that we have going on- isn't it better to just say "Fuck It" and walk away...

So this week, my 1st off in 4 months- I'm going to walk away... or maybe walk towards- a few deep breaths, a yoga class, a hair cut, long breakfasts, planting crocuses. Ease my way into the day instead of hitting the ground running well before dawn. A few days of relief, regeneration and celebration.

A Longer Night

While everyone else seems to revel in the thought of daylight savings time... those of us up all night tonight have an extra hour of special-time at work... and while I would not wish to be doing anything else (except being snuggled up under our pumpkin colored flannel sheets at home with my guys) I will happily stay here- for a night of surgeries and births.

Oh Halloween... had friends over and handed out candy while we munched on pizza. Our sweet pea is too shy to truck around to strangers houses to Trick or Treat. I figured it would end up as us pimping him out for candy we weren't going to let him eat anyway. But still- Silas was soooo happy to be fireman. And that was after much anguish and feeling like a horrible mother for not getting a costume together despite much forethought and too little action. Happily, we inherited the perfect outfit Thursday night from a new-dear friend with a kiddo just enough bigger. Now if I could only get him to take the hat off.

I'm going to do my best to participate in NaBloPoMo as a kickstart to this whole self-reflection thing I'm trying to accomplish... we'll see if this experiment works... A post a day? Rather than a post a month? Sheesh.

Where I've been

These last weeks have been full... Full of 30 hour shifts every 4th night. Full of deaths rather than births. Full of family discussions, hand holding, letting go.

I just finished a month in the Medical ICU. Intensity is the rule there. Ironic that while so much of our time is focused on helping people breathe, I had a hard time catching my breath. I got a little more used to crying publicly- for better or worse. At one point, I was writing comfort care orders and signing "terminal extubation" forms with tears running down my face- only to look up and see my entire team as well as the wife of the patient standing across the desk. Sometimes I wish I didn't immediately get the red face and puffy eyes of someone on the verge of sobbing. It is what it is. I am who I am. I also gained more confidence- felt the ground beneath my feet- felt more and more like I was growing into the person I'm supposed to become.

And now I'm back in OB/GYN world. This time I get to be a surgeon. Or rather, learn to be one. Still lots of crying. Yesterday, as I was caring for a post-operative patient with advanced cancer, she showed me a photo album of her daughter. Her daughter died 10 months ago of ovarian cancer. She was 39. She was a patient at this hospital. On the same list of patients as her mother is now on. Her mother showed me pictures of her in her bikini up to her knees in snow, a picture of her with all of her nieces, a picture of her with a beautiful bouquet- renewing her vows- 2 weeks before she passed from this life to the next. We cried together yesterday.

So no poetry for me today. Feeling like I need to find my way back home. Sitting here at work, listening to the wind whip by the windows- barely able to see the Adirondacks for the clouds and snow- unable to believe that Fall has pretty much come and gone. And here I am, struggling to put 2 words together- feeling like I've missed the mark here today. Haven't quite gotten to the point. Still- here I am. And mostly, other than trying maintain myself while learning as much as I can and doing the best by my patients, I've been meditating on the following:
If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished? ~Rumi

...wishing this was more polished.

A Tiny Soapbox

I just can't stand it. I am so angry at the Republicans and John McCain I can't bear to keep it in. I can't laugh, I can't even cry- it is so beyond ridiculous. The nomination of Sarah Palin is a slap in the face of all women. To say that she was the best choice for the campaign is to belittle the careers of many smarter and more established women. Or to suggest that the reason she was chosen was to appeal to the marginalized women out there is another excercise in condescention. To say that we would vote for a vagina- any vagina... rather than someone, regardless of gender who supported our choices and freedoms and education and our families- is so transparent and baffling. Furthermore- to characterize her as a feminist, to accuse the media of sexism, to portray the GOP as the party for women- it such bald-face lying I can barely stomach another word about it.

Our current administration isn't bad enough. But, to me, Gov. Palin's nomination is one of the biggest farses in modern times. To suggest she has a single shred of skill that equips her to run the country is a mockery of our system of government. To suggest that she stands up for what she believes in is one thing... but what about the substance of it? It's not enough to just strap on a big pair of balls and put a truckload of aggression beyond them. This country doesn't need another "act first, think later" kind of person at the helm. We don't need judgmental a-holes, playing "holy-er than thou" while jeopardizing our international ties and financial stability. We've seen what 8 years of this has done for our global diplomacy- not to mention our economy. I mean really... crap. Or fuck. Or fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Yeah, I'm angry. I'm angry and feeling patronized and in total disbelief at the number of people falling hook, line and sinker for the show. And while polls show a drop in their popularity, commensurate with Obama/Biden's gains, I worry that the Rove-esque escapades will pull it off again. That there will be voting "irregularities" and "Supreme Court Decisions" and we will be paddling up an increasingly large creek.

I'm not feeling eloquent, poetic or zen-like tonight. I'm feeling raw. For more coherent and educated banter...
Maureen Dowd
Arianna Huffington

And for a laugh (even if it's a nervous, panicky "this is too creepy to be comedy" laugh)

Onto the next

Fall has suddenly emerged... or snuck up or sunk in its teeth.

It is the time for reveling...
One last swim in the lake
A final ear of fresh corn
Quarts of fresh berries from here and there

The time for preparing...
Making jam, freezing fresh veggies and fruit
Planting a few fall seeds in our cold frame
Tidying up the flower beds
Ordering bulbs

The time for gathering together...
Last picnincs on the waterfront
Welcoming new babies
Harvest festivals and back to school (for some)
New friends acclimating to our community

The time for putting away...
the canoe and hammock
sandtoys, sunscreen and beach towels
sundresses and sandals (not quite)

A time for getting my shit together. Touching my feet to the ground.