Antagonism

Sweep up the crumbs or leave it messy

Struggle with the comb or leave it wild

Neaten, purge, dust- or let it all hang out...

Go outside or perseverate on the clutter

Lie around, watching a movie or tackle the mountain of journal articles still unread

Fold yet another load of laundry or leave it all undone...

Every day I try to choose a little sanity, a little relief, a little zen.  I try to let loose, push away panic attacks over dust bunnies- not ruin a day over a cheerio.  But this is my struggle- peace or productivity.  And still tonight- even as I reflect on this, my mind is zooming around and around- glass of wine or chapter review?  Because I continue to be so hard on myself- not wanting to waver in my dedication and pursuit of perfection.  Then I return to the obvious- who cares about perfection if you're miserable?  Who cares about achievement if you're burned out?

This is why I need to vacation somewhere other than my house.  So I can't spend my days raking and cleaning and loading and unloading the dishwasher and cleaning up for the cleaning lady.  I need to get away- fully- and bring my family with me.  Not for the cultural experience (which I crave) but for the moments of breathing- digging my feet in the sand, tumbling in the waves, a second margarita.

In 2000 I fell asleep on the couch in my apartment in the early hours of my birthday... after a night of watching returns, with fleeting moments of hope and persistant moments of fear. Who could have predicted the significance of that outcome? . When I woke up the next morning, wondering what had been decided overnight- I was so naive to think that there would have been a victor.  I watched in horror over the next days, in disbelief that it came down to single votes and our democracy was superceeded by court decisions.

I fell asleep on my couch again last night- Jeff nudged me... "He did It."  I was so relieved- not only at the outcome but at the fact that it was not a day filled with "irregularities".  That we really did get out the vote.  That the contagious hope translated into action.

I woke up this morning with butterflies in my stomach. I listened to the news with tears in my eyes.  And suddenly, it was as if a huge weight lifted from my heart.  He did it. We did it.

There is much work to be done. Thankfully, we have a leader with his nose to the grindstone and hope in his heart.  My faith in democracy has been restored.    I am inspired.

It may look dark tonight but if I hold on to hope, tomorrow will be brighter. ~President Obama

Holding my breath

We went to vote today as a family. Silas (my son to the core), happily squealing "NO John McCain!" as we waited on line. My hands shook with excitement at voting- more energy than I've ever experienced with voting. It's always mattered. Somehow it matters more today.

I then took a long walk home- it is so warm here today... and I spent the morning planting garlic and putting our flower beds down for the winter. I felt so in tune with today- the close of one season and planning for something new.

So I sit here tonight, holding my breath and watching the talking heads ruminate over numbers and projections. I'm afraid to go to bed before it's all settled. I'm afraid if I stay up and it goes the wrong way, I'll cry myself to sleep. I'm afraid that if Hope doesn't prevail, we're all fucked. Excuse me. FUCKED.

In my heart, I can only believe that Obama is going to win. It is the only thing that makes sense. It seems to be the only way to steer us back to some of our roots and get us back on track. Real compassion- that's what I'm talking about.

At the same time, part of my heart has resigned to moving to Canada- somewhere civilized- where everyone has guaranteed health care... I already have my tuke.

So cheers to all of you tonight, watching and waiting... holding our breath for something new, something better, something more.

You Just Have To...

Do it for yourself, your friends, your family, your children.

Do it for the economy, as an example to those who cannot yet.

Do it for the future, for the past, for the present.

I am desperate for something new- a new era, a new time, a new peace.

Get out there. Vote.

Over and Underwhelmed

Vacation... sweet vacation. Not for flying away and sipping coladas but for standing on my legs, straightening out my house and my head. Trying to gather together again. I'm a third of the way through my intern year and we seem to be maintaining. And I'm doing my best...
To not criticize or back-seat drive
To parent with a minimal amount of time
To be a partner, friend and lover to my hubby- even though we didn't even celebrate our anniversary (almost a month ago) because I was post-call and grumpy... and we had no baby-sitter
To keep my house clean (even when I'm not doing my share and we have outside help every few weeks)
To not care when my house isn't clean or to freak out and clean and de-clutter when really what I want to do is go outside, breathe some fresh air... or take a long nap in the afternoon curled up with Silas

And sometimes I fail and fall apart and lose my shit and ruin a perfectly good afternoon by being anxious about clutter or mess or dirty dishes getting crusty or the laundry piled on top of the dryer- not being folded for days... and then when it's folded, sitting in the middle of our living room in piles taking days to make it back into anyone's drawers.

Then I think- with all that we have going on- isn't it better to just say "Fuck It" and walk away...

So this week, my 1st off in 4 months- I'm going to walk away... or maybe walk towards- a few deep breaths, a yoga class, a hair cut, long breakfasts, planting crocuses. Ease my way into the day instead of hitting the ground running well before dawn. A few days of relief, regeneration and celebration.

A Longer Night

While everyone else seems to revel in the thought of daylight savings time... those of us up all night tonight have an extra hour of special-time at work... and while I would not wish to be doing anything else (except being snuggled up under our pumpkin colored flannel sheets at home with my guys) I will happily stay here- for a night of surgeries and births.

Oh Halloween... had friends over and handed out candy while we munched on pizza. Our sweet pea is too shy to truck around to strangers houses to Trick or Treat. I figured it would end up as us pimping him out for candy we weren't going to let him eat anyway. But still- Silas was soooo happy to be fireman. And that was after much anguish and feeling like a horrible mother for not getting a costume together despite much forethought and too little action. Happily, we inherited the perfect outfit Thursday night from a new-dear friend with a kiddo just enough bigger. Now if I could only get him to take the hat off.

I'm going to do my best to participate in NaBloPoMo as a kickstart to this whole self-reflection thing I'm trying to accomplish... we'll see if this experiment works... A post a day? Rather than a post a month? Sheesh.

Where I've been

These last weeks have been full... Full of 30 hour shifts every 4th night. Full of deaths rather than births. Full of family discussions, hand holding, letting go.

I just finished a month in the Medical ICU. Intensity is the rule there. Ironic that while so much of our time is focused on helping people breathe, I had a hard time catching my breath. I got a little more used to crying publicly- for better or worse. At one point, I was writing comfort care orders and signing "terminal extubation" forms with tears running down my face- only to look up and see my entire team as well as the wife of the patient standing across the desk. Sometimes I wish I didn't immediately get the red face and puffy eyes of someone on the verge of sobbing. It is what it is. I am who I am. I also gained more confidence- felt the ground beneath my feet- felt more and more like I was growing into the person I'm supposed to become.

And now I'm back in OB/GYN world. This time I get to be a surgeon. Or rather, learn to be one. Still lots of crying. Yesterday, as I was caring for a post-operative patient with advanced cancer, she showed me a photo album of her daughter. Her daughter died 10 months ago of ovarian cancer. She was 39. She was a patient at this hospital. On the same list of patients as her mother is now on. Her mother showed me pictures of her in her bikini up to her knees in snow, a picture of her with all of her nieces, a picture of her with a beautiful bouquet- renewing her vows- 2 weeks before she passed from this life to the next. We cried together yesterday.

So no poetry for me today. Feeling like I need to find my way back home. Sitting here at work, listening to the wind whip by the windows- barely able to see the Adirondacks for the clouds and snow- unable to believe that Fall has pretty much come and gone. And here I am, struggling to put 2 words together- feeling like I've missed the mark here today. Haven't quite gotten to the point. Still- here I am. And mostly, other than trying maintain myself while learning as much as I can and doing the best by my patients, I've been meditating on the following:
If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished? ~Rumi

...wishing this was more polished.