Even though yoga has been part of my life for years now, I'm not very good at it. It offers so much of what I strive to include in my life: balance, quiet, presence, breath. A non-competitive arena for challenge and self-acceptance. A place to let go and let be. It is the opposite of the rest of my days. Still I am drawn to it, love it, am fulfilled by it, enriched by it. But it takes all of myself to quiet my internal monologue of competition and self-doubt, list-making and planning, agonizing and worrying. And still- the moments are fleeting that it all comes together. I am in my body. I am not worried about my dripping sweat, my protruding belly, my things to do, my places to be. I am not running over and over the events of my day, the what is next, the where to and the what for. The moments are few and far between- but they exist. And when I remember- I work to cultivate that presence (or absence?) of mind off the mat.Currently I am suspended between my two lives. Actually- I am fully immersed in my home life. I am working hard every day to get my new house set up and organized so that when I start working 80 hours a week, it will feel like a sanctuary not a storm. I am working hard every day to love my partner, to endear myself to him so that he may remember me not pushed to the edge of myself. I am working hard to store up lovely time with my sweet pea... so that he will fully know that my love is with him even when I am not present. It is a binge. It is an immersion. And the pit in my stomach has already started to churn- anticipating the Next Big Thing... concerned yet again about preserving some sense of balance in the craziness of my metamorphosis. Our metamorphosis. So I do my best now to squirrel away that time- to stay with my little guy and watch him amass a truckload of pine cones when I can think of 10 other things that need to get done... so that I may remember the sweetness in his face, the determination in his brow, the sunlight in his hair. I do my best to take in the smell of my honey, breathe in his embrace, really listen to him about his day. I'm worried that I will forget these things- or forget to pause for them.
Tonight in class, we spent what seemed like hours in balance poses: Tree, Warrior 3, Side Plank. I was reminded to breathe, reminded to quiet myself, reminded to be. Tonight I did it- and just maybe, I can take it with me. Moments of quietly breathing and being. Amidst chaos, confusion, criticism: Let's breathe. Let's be.
1 comment:
Sounds like you are very "good" at it. As a yoga student (and teacher) may i suggest a thought? don't judge whether you are good or not. Bow to yourself that you practice the unification of the body, mind and spirit. You can't be good at it but you can practice and you open up to it.
I have spent some time reading you on my lazy sunday and feel grateful for your voice; soothing and sweet and funny and wise.
mb
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