Four years from now....
I will have aided hundreds of women in bearing their children
been with them, held their hands as they faced their mortality
ran to their bedsides to attend to their fevers, pain, bleeding
witnessed their last moments on this earth
shared their euphoria as they saw or heard their baby's tiny heart beat for the first time
heard their dark secrets and deep fears
delivered babies who had already passed from this earth.
Four years from now...
Silas will be six
Jeff will be nearly forty
and I am desperately afraid their hearts will be harder for this time.
Four years from now...
I will have cried rivers of tears
Spent more time at the hospital than at home
Lost my shit and gathered it
Been taken to task in public and private
Become an obstetrician and a surgeon.
Four years from now...
I hope to retain my sense of humor and my humility
my wonder at the true miracle of birth
I hope I can maintain my most valued relationships
without straining them to the breaking point.
Three days from now I start my residency. I am scared shitless. I am excited beyond belief. I am realizing a dream hatched, squashed and reborn. My heart is heavy with the weight of "this one last weekend" but excited for that weekend with my family (at my brother in law's kick ass new studio open house). I am worried I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I have patients booked into my clinic Monday morning. Mostly I'm worried I'm going to lose my sense of self and my way home in the madness of my training. I worry I'll lose the wonder for the paperwork. That the demands of a full list of people to care for will overwhelm my ability to be fully present with each one. That my heart will slowly close itself.
"Worry is a prayer for bad things to happen." So I am going to take a breath, embrace the four years a moment at a time, give myself the permission to fall apart and get back up and do it again. Reassure myself that my family will thrive even with a smaller piece of me. That I will remain whole as I am enriched by this training.
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2 comments:
I'm so excited for you!
THis is huge.
And I can feel all the mixed emotions, and this is so normal, to me, a sign that you ARE remaining open, to ALL this expereince will mean.
You can do this, and as you said, just a moment at a time.
I'm here, cheering you on.
much love.
This is such a beautiful post. Such strong, clear intentions. You are fully, fully, fully in your life!
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